Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Things people say when introducing themselves that makes me instantly label them as boring and dumb

When meeting for the first time, people inquire each other about their lifestyles, hobbies and interests in order to form what they consider to be a correct opinion for the other.

The majority of people are morons with no personal opinion, or, even brain, and I'll show you how you, too, can recognize them.

Begin by not acting as a socially retarded person and ask them of their name.

You: Excuse me, sir, but your polite manner and attractive physique caught my attention. May I ask of your name?

Stranger: I am Stranger, nice to meet you.

At first, this might seem like a normal response, but with the second glance you notice something that is missing in this dialogue, and that is asking ME for my name. I am obviously not making a list of people who live in Macedonia and their legal information, you moron, Make way for the conversation to continue!

Me: So, I have noticed your Ramones T-shirt, what kind of music do you like?

Stranger: Oh, I don't really listen to them, but I really like mainstream pop and rnb, but not gangsta rap.

First of all, if you don't listen to a band, why the fuck did you put a shirt with their logo on you idiot. Did you also make sure to write a critique on Ramones' discography without knowing what punk is, too, you cretin? 

Second, what kind of taste is that? Liking mainstream music is not liking music. At this point in my imaginary conversation, we have determined an 80% chance of the person we are speaking to being retarded, however, confirmation is still needed.

Me: So, what are your hobbies?

Stranger: Oh, I like listening to music... uhm... I also like going out. Sometimes I like to travel.

Oh, you like to listen to music and socialize? Do you like breathing oxygen as well? What kind of fucking hobbies are those?

And you like to travel? I'll tell you what, mate, the only people who don't like to travel are people who have brain tumor because they would prefer curing it first!

We now have a 95% confirmation of the person's retardation and we have just the right tool for this job, all we have to ask is:

Me: What do you want in life?

Stranger: I want to be happy.

Oh, really, that's what you want? Well it seems like we have a little dispute in opinions, BECAUSE I PREFER BEING DEPRESSED AND SUFFERING FROM ALCOHOLISM CAUSED BY THE DEATH OF MY LOVED ONES, YOU GODDAMN COW! BYE!

Why Nothing Else Matters is the worst thing to happen to Metallica

Metallica is a band known for their metal masterpieces "Kill 'em All", Ride the"... Hahaha, I am just fucking with you. Metallica is a band known by the majority of the population for their hit single "Nothing else matters", a mediocre song with lyrics which look like they were taken from a "Things to post on your Facebook wall" book and arranged in a randomly generated order, check this out for an example:

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Okay, in the first sentence the author and poet states that he feels far away from what, we expect to find out in the next line, which is "Couldn't be much more from the heart". What the fuck is this? I have been trying to think of some ridiculously funny thing to say about this, but these two lines are so disconnected from one another, they might as well be Lars's drums and Kirk Hammett's guitar.

This is not however, the reason I hate this song, of course, if anything from Metallica deserves to be hated from how bad it is that would probably be St. Anger.

The reason I hate this song is because whenever I tell someone that I like Metallica, they immediately ask me if I know "Nothing else matters". The fact that there are retards who believe that "Nothing else matters" defines Metallica, and YES THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE PERSON, makes me want to go Battery on their ass. Logically I respond by telling them that this shitty excuse for a metal song isn't in fact one, but that's when things start getting really fucking horrendous. After a conversation taking this turn, the next thing you are most likely to hear is "But it's their most popular soooong, how can you not like it?" If you see my face change after you have said this, that's because I am debating on whether I should kill you for how much I hate your or if I should just off myself because of the sheer amount of dumb assholes who can't form a personal opinion I would still have to listen to.

In conclusion, if "Nothing Else matters" is your favorite Metallica song, you should jump off a bridge, and if it's your favorite metal song, then take your family too.

The second thing I hate about this song is it's intro. This is because whenever someone comes to my fucking house, sees my metal lifestyle and acoustic guitar, what they'd do is take my guitar and ask me to recognize the song, the song being the intro of this crap. This is not as bad as the first occasion, as you can really drive one's piss to a boil by pretending to not recognize the song over and over again.